No Pastor's Wife is an Island
I've been scouring the Internet for resources for Pastor's Wives. How to make this PW stuff better? Part of the answer lies with me. Yes, I might have to change. I admit that some of what I do produces some of what I deal with. But ...
The congregation is also part of the picture. A healthy, loving, supportive congregation will make a healthy, loving, trusting and open pastor's wife a lot more likely. There's a lot more of
them than there are of me.
My husband just got back from a conference for Pastors. Among all the chatter were reports of pastoral stress, and the acknowledgement that as hard as it is our husbands, it's even harder for us. So many of the pastors at this conference had been through difficult conflicts with their congregations. Some were still in the thick of it. It affects their wives, too. One man's wife had gained 40 pounds from the stress. Why does this stuff happen so often? It can't
all be about what
we have to do differently.
Coincidentally, I just bought the book "Healthy congregations: a systems approach," by Peter L. Steinke. Not very thick, it seems to be very concisely written, and Real. I've encountered systems thinking before, so the overall theory isn't new. But this is the first time I've seen the theory applied to Churches. This book looks like a good one. From the first chapter, p. 4, on Wholeness:
No problem can be seen in isolation. The problem is in the whole, not the part. The system is the locus of the problem. The problem is in the interaction between the parts. The same is true for solutions and corrections.
The interaction between the parts... Is that what is going on most Sunday mornings?
I'm just beginning the book, but I think it may be one I'll recommend.
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The times, they are a' changin'
... but in many ways, they're still the same. I've been reading a lot about pastors' wives. There are some common threads, but so far, no one seems to be painting the whole picture. It does seem that some things have mellowed somewhat, but for some denominations, for some churches, for some women. Essentially, it's still the same song, just a different verse.
I'm attempting to make a Definitive List. Why It's So Difficult. So far, it's written rather negatively (reflecting my feelings right now) and I need to tone it down. But here it is anyway. It is a draft, and will be refined as comments and ideas come up. Not all of these will be experienced by every Pastor's Wife, but each concern has been experienced by one.
1. We are in a category all our own - not the pastor, not a church member. This category is not officially defined, and so has no official status.
2. We are to a large degree disenfranchised. Because of our role, it's difficult, not allowed/expected/tolerated for us to speak up on issues. About Things That Matter, we have no voice, no vote in a system that shapes our living and our lives.
3. The role carries with it little honor, lots of opinions, high standards, yet we deal with many expectations, some spoken, most not expressed.
4. As a pastors' family, we live in a fishbowl. We feel as if we’re watched all the time.
5. We're expected to be the substitute pastor & amateur counselor.
6. We often bump up against double standards. From church members, we experience criticism, lead-balloon comments, assumptions, head trips, but if we talked to people this way, we’d encounter disapproval and probably more.
7. We are talked about behind our backs. Some of it is in care and concern, but most of it is just plain gossip.
8. There is a Pastor’s Wife Stereotype, and we get bumped by other’s perceptions of what the Stereotype is supposed to be and do. If we bump back, we are seen as prickly or discourteous.
9. We don't get to choose our Church Home. It’s decided for us by our husband’s job. When we are dissatisfied, we don’t get to change it, or if we do, there's a price to pay.
10. Few of us have a pastor. Our husbands cannot fill that role for us; the role of husband and pastor conflicts.
11. We often feel taken for granted. The congregation expresses little support, affirmation, encouragement for what we do and who we are.
12. We long for a sense of roots. We move often, and live far from family.
13. Living on a pastor’s salary (and health benefits) is very difficult and frustrating.
14. There is a big difference between the standard of living for the pastor and that of the congregation.
15. We are a two income family, and the Pastor’s Wife expectations continue without adjustment.
16. Living in a manse/parsonage is frustrating. Repairs happen on their time, and according to their tastes.
17. We do not feel as if we have our own identity; we often feel as if we are an extension of our husband’s personality and role.
18. The congregation sees us as our husband’s secretary, passing on criticism, church business messages, checks!! through us.
19. Our marriage takes second place or more to his work most of the time. Parenting, family life, upkeep of the home take a back seat as the status quo.
20. We feel guilty and tormented by our unhappiness and dissatisfaction. Our husbands serve God; surely our needs are not that important...
21. Our husbands' time off is not respected. Vacations, days off, evenings at home are invaded by church demands, phone calls, even people stopping by.
22. We encounter jealousy and criticism when we have particular friends within the congregation.
23. Some women seem to be seeking friendship with us because we're the pastor’s wife, not because they like us for ourselves.
24. We are leery of sharing confidences, because trust has been betrayed and shared confidences made public.
25. We are targets of spiritual warfare.
26. The congregation our husbands serve are spiritually immature and minister dependent.
27. Difficult personalities within the congregation have attacked us and our husband's personally over church issues.
28. We often end up as the scapegoat in church conflicts.
29. Our children are under pressure to be perfect. They also experience expectations.
30. Our children receive too much attention, and are being spoiled.
31. Our struggles with our role has caused tension in our marriages and conflict with our husbands.
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They Lied, We Tried
Fortunately, in our denomination, when a church is seeking a pastor the usual practice is to include The Wife on the interview weekend. There's an amazing variety in the way the search committees involve The Wife in interview weekend goings-on, but usually, I've been given a chance to ask questions, too. I always ask this one: "What are the congregation's expectations of their pastor's wife?" And I always get the same answer: "Oh! We have none. We want you to be yourself."
Y'all, don't believe it. It's simply not true. As sure as shootin', you'll bump up against their expectations of you the instant you start to disappoint them. And then you'll know. Occasionally, the bolder, brassier members will tell you, but usually you'll figure it out by the subtle signals of disapproval.
How about some real life examples:
"I think you should be leading a women's Bible study. I really need one, and it would be good for our church to have one instead of us all turning to Community Bible Study."
"You've never led anything in the women's association." (I've never been asked.)
"Aren't you coming to the (program, retreat, project)?"
"I always thought pastor's wives were involved with women's activities."
While browsing the web looking for material on the secret life of a pastor's wife, I ran across a reference to an article published by the Alban Institute in 1984. "Why Do Clergy Wives Burn Out?" by Roy M. Oswald. I found it was too old to be accessed through their website, so I emailed them and received a prompt, courteous reply offering to mail me a copy. The man responding to my inquiry informed me that it was rather old and there were no doubt more contemporary sources available. Ha, I thought. As if the issue changes from decade to decade. So I requested the copy; again, a very prompt response. And the article was well worth the trouble.
Thought written by a man, he had spent much time and energy exploring the title question. Number One on his list of causes for Clergy Wife Burn Out is:
Role Expectations. Yes, indeedy. They are there. An excerpt:
Regardless of how a clergy wife looks at her role, it is not possible for her to be seen simply as another baptized member of the congregation. Clergy wives may be clear about who they are, but they continually encounter parishioners who have their attitudes and ideas about how they should talk, dress and engage in congregational activities.
It is not possible.
"Oh! We have none. We want you to be yourself." Not true, and can't be true.
Mr. Oswald summed up this first section:
I am sure that the difficulty of dealing with these role expectations is a major factor in the stress and burnout of clergy wives.
And the unwritten message is: Be yourself! but you're going to pay a price.
Thank you, Mr. Oswald, for your understanding.
"Why do clergy wives burn out?" by Roy M. Oswald, c1984, published by the Alban Institute.
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